the past 2.5 years

i been trying to figure out how to proceed,
cause it seems like life is a mission.
but i can’t change what I care about,
so i’m stuck trippin over the human condition.

looking back

sometime i wish i could go back to the days…

There wasn’t much back then. Life was like a grind, day in, day out, looking for a occasion to be happy, to remember. There weren’t many. If you’re never there, people will never expect you. You will never know, and the unknown is forbidding, it deters you, and so you stay home, half of you wishing you could go out and the other half secretly wishing to stay inside, where everything is known. Always being inside defines the way you look at the outside. You see uncertainty, and you don’t feel belonging. But despite all of this, there is something that draws you. Being around people for so long makes you connect to them in a way, even though you don’t know them as well as you would like. There’s something about seeing the same faces again and again that makes it seem like time isn’t passing. Now I wish I could go back to those times, when I could see the same faces everyday.

College is just too fast. There’s no time to bond to people. And even if there is, it’s not the same as the people you knew for so long.

Davos

i wanna go there someday for that conference

the chemistry of life

I like to think of my life as a chemical reaction. I believe it is highly endothermic; therefore much energy is required in order to get me to progress down my reaction coordinate (succeed). This energy can only come from outside the system, from say my classes constantly piling work on me. Without this energy I would simply stop. The reaction simply does not proceed by itself. A catalyst would also be very useful. Such motivation can only come from a new goal in life. Going to med school and being a doctor is simply a depleted catalyst. It no longer drives the reaction forward. I’ve realized that there are also side reactions going on. Formations of undesired products are hampering the rate of the main reaction. Things like Facebook and BBC News can only serve to distract from the true purpose of life: success and happiness.

I am saddened however, to realize that despite my 18 years, I have failed to derive any true insight into the nature of the mechanism by which this all important reaction that is my life occurs. I still do not understand the myriad elementary reactions that explain the function of the reaction as a whole. I do not understand what makes me tick. In common english: I still do not understand who I am.

Finally, I feel it is necessary to point out that I am not any chemical reaction proceeding in nature, in and surrounded by other chemical reactions that spontaneously interact with each other. I am alone, isolated in a laboratory, in a clean beaker, to ensure that no contaminants lead to any undesired results. I do not even know who is the chemist that is running this controlled reaction. Is it my parents? Could it actually be me? Most likely it is neither, but something else. An ancient system that is defined by a vision of success, a fear of failure, and most importantly, an unwavering conviction of what people should be like.

But I’m not worrying about that right now. As of now, all I know is that I am alone, and lonely.

so far

everyone feels so far away…

maybe it’s the weather, or maybe it’s just me, but I feel so empty lately…

…I wish friends were always there

focus

I must focus on the tasks at hand…. must not digress

omg how will i survive college like this?

us

we ain’t the same.
but are we really that fucking different?

lost

What are ordinary people meant for?

I think the world is a very scary place. Find solace in the little things, so you don’t get lost.

words for life

“He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart”
-Proverbs 11:29

“Who must do the hard things?
He who can.”
-Confucius

“Who knows but that, on the lower frequencies, I speak for you?”
-Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

In the end isn’t everything like the wind? We bring trouble upon ourselves and those around us, and for what more but the elusive illusions of the world? It is the responsibilities that we should concern ourselves with. All the difficult tasks must be done, and regardless of who can and cannot, it is the same for everyone in the end. In the story of our lives, we all speak for each other.

…

Personally, life has done little more than to impress upon me the fact that I am no more qualified than anyone else to address humanity and issues with which it may be concerned. However, if i were to be granted this privilege, I would say the following:

If you believe in greatness, search for it within yourselves.
If you believe in salvation, search for it within others.
Live well, wont you?

midterms and murders

Just now I was listening to music on my laptop, relishing the friday night all to myself. Heather nailed it when she said that I am one who loves solitude. I felt a passing impulse to do some work and not leave it all for the weekend. In particular I remembered that I needed to write up my appeal for a regrade on certain parts of my biochem midterm, explaining why I was right and should get those 6 points they took away, so I would have a 100%. Somehow I got sidetracked, and decided to check facebook. I had ran into an old acquaintance today on a routine jog, and so I decided to check her profile and see where she was going to college and stuff. The status message of her profile caught my eye. “R.I.P. _____ , we will miss you.” I have omitted the name because I didn’t know him and I don’t feel like I should name someone who got murdered unless it were to pay my respects. This blog is about my take on it all, and I feel bad just saying this. I couldn’t help it, so I looked up his name in the search bar on facebook. The first result in the list was him, cause we had one common friend, and it was her. I clicked on the profile, and it was limited, all that I could see was his profile pic. I couldn’t help but stare at it. He was asian, clean shave, no gangsta attitude nor nothing. He wasn’t drinking or partying or acting wild or anything. Just a picture he took of himself, no goofy smile, no nonsense. Straight up decent. I would estimate he was of medium height and medium build. I could sympathize with him immediately. He was maybe a little bit older than me, but I felt like we could have been cool if I had known him. And at the top of the limited profile that I could see, was a little button. “Add as Friend”. I must say I was shocked when I saw his face, but it wasn’t until I saw the ‘add friend’ button that the reality of it all hit me. He was gone. He had been taken away from this world right when his very best years were just ahead of him. If I hit that request friend button, no one would ever respond. Those 163 friends listed in the limited profile were it. That number would never change. He wouldn’t meet anymore new people, make any more friends. I felt sick. I still feel a little sick. Earlier today I had watched a video on youtube about the world hunger crisis. It said that in the 60 seconds that the video will last, 10 children will die of starvation. At the very end, it said “60 seconds is up”…meaning 10 children had died. Starved to death. I watched the video twice. Even so, it was unreal to me. It was a number. But this was real. After a while, I summed up the strength to log out of facebook. I was left staring at the background, and I began to wonder. What was it like for my friend? When she found out that her friend had been killed. What was it like to put up that status message? Was it like putting up any other status message? Surely it wasn’t part of the daily routine.
Day one: wake up, get dressed, log onto facebook, type “had the strangest dream about pokemon and cherry pies”.
Day two: get out of class, log onto facebook, type “sat through the most intense sociology lecture ever, fell asleep”.
Day three: finish dinner, log onto facebook , type “R.I.P ….”

and the next day, go out to meet someone for a cup of coffee or something and run into an old friend…

I felt sick. Then, my thoughts turn back to myself. I had been preparing to bitch with my GSI’s for 6 extra points. The absurd nature of it all hit me like a train.
The guy is dead…
6 extra points…

I feel sick.

… and most importantly, may this young man rest in peace and may God bless his family and friends.