My fingers ached to search for the right keys, but all they could manage were small twitches in response to faint brain signals. My mind was attempting to formulate a response, but every time I tried to start a sentence, I drew up a blank page. I was simply too engrossed in reading his words. He was talking about why he wouldn’t go all the way with just any girl. Because, you see, he’s the kind of guy who wants to save it for a girl he loves. When you care about a girl, it makes sex feel that much better, because it’s not just sex anymore. It’s making love, and it means so much more. And that moment you share afterwards, looking into each other’s eyes, exchanging thoughts without saying a word…you can’t have that moment with just anyone.

I can’t count how many moments I’ve had like that with the guy I loved. It hurt to remember him while I was talking to another boy. And it hurt to relive that memory, knowing how many failed attempts I’ve made at recreating it.

Could I ever find that moment again? Surely not with men I have no feelings for, and I’m positive that he realizes the same thing. I am not special to him, he is not special to me. He must realize that he cannot create that moment with me, nor I with him. You can’t have that moment with just anyone… but you can reenact its physical prelude with anyone. Almost anyone. And preferably, someone who does not require much effort to lure into bed.

So…that’s the kind of girl I am to him. Easy. Someone who will get down on her knees when you snap your fingers. Someone who will follow you to your room and turn the lights out for you. Someone who will let almost anyone into her bed. Someone who is undeserving of such a moment.

Eventually our conversation ended. Immediately, I prepared for the night. I was not physically or mentally spent, but I was emotionally numb. I felt as if the air around me was pressing me from every direction, like I had become some sort of low-pressure vessel. And like a body which contains no person, I crawled into the safety of my own bed, a  bed that was the location of so many special moments.

I thought of who I was before. Someone with a true passion, and a collectivist mindset. Someone who did not think of only herself. Someone who was deeply in love. Someone who deserved those moments. And then, the emptiness was gone. The emptiness, which was conceived as I dispelled the easy girl that dwelled within me, gave way to the presence of a new self. My old self…I’ve found you at last!

And so, I drifted into sleep, listening to the lullaby of my mind, screaming this chant over and over:
NO MORE DEMON GIRL
NO MORE DEMON GIRL
NO MORE DEMON GIRL…

so I can break your little heart.

Kinetics is interested in the likelihood of a reaction and the processes that facilitate it. One important concept is the path of least resistance. This path, along with many other possible paths, is situated on a terrain that describes the potential energy of a reaction. Although there are an infinite number of paths one can take on this terrain to get from point A to point B, chemists assume that the only path one will decide to take is the path of least resistance. (The logic is simple. Travel the path that requires the least amount of energy. Why waste energy taking any other path, which may involve climbing steep mountain slopes and traveling where resources are scarce? Anyone with half a brain will travel the path of least resistance.) This notion that molecules will go the easy way is just an assumption which helps chemists single out one path. But making an assumption that simplifies the possibilities is just as important as keeping in mind that the other possibilities are still there.

I think that many of us have forgotten the other possibilities in the energy map that society has carved out for us, which is pretty much just school, job, marry, children, die. This is apparently our path of least resistance, and anyone who strays from this path is perceived as a failure or a fool. But we have forgotten not only that there are possibilities, but that we are all different. Reactions have their own energy maps that differ from another reaction’s. You can’t just draw an energy map and say it’s true for all reactions, but that’s what we’ve done. Well, maybe with a bit more flexibility. I mean, we do have different majors, right?…

Education and Occupation
Education is, no doubt, extremely important. In fact, a democracy cannot function without educated citizens. However, we must draw the line between “educated” and those with degrees. Just because someone did not go to college does not mean we can label them as uneducated. A high school education is still an education, just not a good one thanks to tight budgets and school faculty apathy. So, I’m going to make this loud and clear: lacking a degree is no grounds to call someone a failure or a fool, and having a degree does not guarantee a winner. They may very well be a fool for blindly following the advice of strangers.

Although some people love to learn or require an education to do what they love, education does not have a place in every path. Education is a passion, a bridge, and an obstacle for some. And education is optional.

But some people will go through the obstacle, even if doing what they love does not require it. Some people will go through with it just to secure a place in the job market because they were told, by strangers, that education is the key to success. But how are strangers to know what success is, or if it’s the same for everyone? If education is an obstacle to you, then it is foolish that you try to go through with it. Clearly, this is not your path of least resistance.

I suppose that money may be grounds for trying to tackle an obstacle. We correlate wealth with success. But I don’t know about the rest of you, but money can’t buy my smile. We all pursue happiness, and we all find it in different places. We don’t always find it in a check with big numbers. Some people find happiness in painting. Some people find happiness in housekeeping. They may not be Bill Gates, but how could you say that every finished painting and every clean home was not a success?

So someone may be a chemical engineer, and someone may be a musician in a two-man band with no place to jam but the street. To a lot of people, the chemical engineer is a success, and the musician is either on the road to failure or is already a failure. But I question those who think this way, because I know a chemical engineer who wishes she had the gift of making beauty out of waves. I don’t think she could ever see that musician as a failure.

A Spouse and Kids
Love is associated with a spike in dopamine levels around another person. I’d say that this kills the romantic idea of love for a lot of people. But for me, knowing that something so magical and dreamlike is a result of a substance that is physically present in our bodies makes it real. And that is a beautiful thing. However, it also means that destiny has no role in love. The cosmos have no say in how our brains react around another. That being said, it is possible to fall in love twice. And it is possible to fall in love with two people simultaneously. So I must object to this idea of marriage, but realize that I am doing so without objecting to the idea of love. Love is real, I cannot object to facts. But marriage is merely a social institution which is completely avoidable. If marriage looks like an obstacle, don’t jump it. It’s not the path of least resistance.

Kids, I can understand. The desire to pass on one’s alleles is a basic desire of any living organism, whether it be a human or a mushroom. But no one ever gave you a target population you had to meet. I think two is enough, because having a sibling rocks. But having three children could become an obstacle. Plus, what kind of Superman alleles do you have to offer that would entitle you to a baby farm?

Death
Scary topic, I know. So I won’t talk about it, but I think it’s something you should think about.

Anyway, that’s my shpeel. I hope you had something to take from it. And I hope you’ve learned a little bit about me, too.

as long as you keep the flies away