Dear ex-friend,

You are in limbo. Would you care to know how you got there?

It was a hot day. I believe it was Wednesday. The sun was high in the air, enjoying its view of all the sluggish, sweaty humans. We could have just gone indoors, you know. But you insisted on the trampoline. Ah, yes, let’s rest on the only furniture you own that is not in the shade! Let’s rest on this material that’s hot enough to cook one side of our bodies, and let the other side be roasted in the sunlight. This is a great way to get skin cancer, next to cooking in a tanning bed.

You’ve always been the genius at grand ideas…like your idea of never turning in a lab report. Not only did you fuck yourself over, you screwed up my grade and Gary’s grade. That’s real mature and selfless of you. That’s why we were hanging out on Wednesday in the first place – because we I had to redeem ourselves and prove we were not worthy of whatever bum grades Ms. Boomdiggidy had cooked up for us. Yes, thanks to you, we were able to chillax together and have a jolly good time!

I am just dripping with thick, sticky sarcasm.

The truth is, I should not have been there doing grunt work for Ms. Boomdiggidy. It was all you. You should have been the only kid there to be redeeming himself because neigher Gary nor I had done anything wrong. But there I was, helping you clean up your mess. That’s always the way it’s always been, hasn’t it? I’m always helping you clean up your messes. But FYI, I only help you because you disgust me.

I wonder why I didn’t disgust you. My face was having its one-year acne reunion, and the skin around my mouth was dry and flakey. Not to mention I was feeling especially sticky from my coat of sweat and humidity. And suddenly, I feel your lips on my forehead. The one word that was in my head at that moment: Fuck.

Then I opened my eyes and saw your face gravitating towards mine.

Are you absolutely insane? No, really, have you any idea how much bacteria is just thriving on my mouth? You had a lot of nerve to try to kiss me. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am still mourning my love for the guy who almost kicked your ass in Barnes & Nobles.

After you tried to kiss me, I wasn’t feeling so great. Especially when you didn’t let me get off the trampoline. Here is the simple rule to Me: When I want to go, you let me go. Live and let live. But you didn’t quite follow that rule, and so you must die… metaphorically, of course.

You should have listened to Derek. He strongly believed in the friend-ladder and boyfriend-ladder theory. You see, these two ladders lead to the girl. Between these two ladders is a large pit that leads to limbo. If one tries to jump from one ladder to the other, he falls down the pit. But in my mind, there are tree roots on the way down. You problably saved yourself on one, because I was willing to still consider you as a friend.

Oh right, but then came that fateful day when I learned the entire story behind how you managed to become chem club president. It was a cold day. I believe it was a Sunday. The sun was hiding behind the clouds, afraid of how I was about to react at this new knowledge.

Real nice Facebook event description.

“e’rbody needs to go to this meetin wit me an isaac after school on friday real quick to vote for us for chem club prez so some annoying ass bookworms don’t get the position and don’t get into college and get rejected by their families.”

You’re an asshole. Was this the only reason? To kill someone’s dreams?

I hope not. Maybe you needed this position…wait, no you don’t. You’re planning on getting a C average and going to Chico. Maybe you want this position? But it’s not like you to want to be hated, and you were hated for sure after this stunt. Maybe you thought you’d be good at it? Yet you’re a character who likes to sit in his bed and play videogames at home instead of doing work. Lazy president. And you’re a hated president. Nope, you’re definitely not a good fit.

You kind of just stole someone’s passport. You just screwed somebody else over, and you gained nothing. People like you disgust me.

By the way, I am a bookworm. Not only am I a bookworm, I am only “some” bookworm, because I don’t differ from them by much. And right now, I’m some annoying ass bookworm reacting to some annoying ass jerk. First-class jerk, really – posted it right on the internet.

So in case you’re wondering, that’s when you landed yourself in limbo.

And I’m not cleaning this one up for you.