It’s better if we’re not friends.

But

You are exactly my brand of heroin.

Everything about you invites me in- your voice, your face, even your smell. As if you need any of that…As if I would run away from you. As if I would fight you off.

I said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be friends.

I’ll get tired of trying to stay away from you. So I am giving up before it gets to that point.

You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.

[Manipulation of quotes from Twilight in order to better define my situation.]

Forever, the worst feeling I had ever felt was guilt. It was far worse than the simple frustrations of life, which normally is comprised of fear. Fear of making mistakes; fear of being rejected; fear of falling behind; fear of what people think. Guilt is the very thing I fear. I fear being responsible for anything that goes wrong.

But now, I’ve discovered a new feeling. It’s similar to rejection, but it punctures a hole much closer to my core. I think it’s betrayal, but unconscious betrayal. There’s both no one to blame and everyone to blame. It is the very opposite feeling of guilt. It’s the feeling of being the victim of a crime unknown to the criminal.

I feel like a smoker who became addicted through secondhand smoke. I love the cage bars of addiction because it protects me, yet it distorts my vision. I am unaware that I am actually a prisoner. Even worse, it betrayed me and gave me cancer today; yesterday it relieved my stress. And it’s not like I can blame the cigarette or myself for my tragedy, and I can’t blame the smokers for being near me. Nor can I blame them for being addicted, for that would make me a hypocrite.

What could I do? Eat chocolate products? I already did that. I finished my mother’s chocolate-over-chocolate-over-chocolate birthday cake, and I ate a bowl of soy chocolate ice cream. It didn’t help. I only feel guilty for molesting my body in such a way.*

I could blame the traitor for it, but if I told him what I’d done, he would only make me feel guiltier. He may even feel guilty. And since guilt is the second worst feeling for me, I would like to avoid it and avoid causing it. And if I can warp this and translate it, I would end up with this solution: to avoid him completely. I think that’s what I’ll do.

*Of course smoking has worse effects on the body than chocolate dessert, but that was just a metaphor for my cognitive activities. The crime did not cause me physical pain directly. The only physical pain I am suffering from is self-inflicted.