Trashcan

different ways

there are some people who “learn something new everyday.”

I guess that applies to me because I learn I am/was wrong about something everyday.
Take for example, one of my previous posts. I thought I was evil and conniving…

But in the end, I’m just passive aggressive. I took all the steps up to the major action.
I do the preparation, the planning, the scheming, the evil laughs and thoughts and I brainstorm and all, but once the moment hits, I’m dumbfounded.

It’s like those dreams, when the evil guy approaches and you got to whip out your punches and kicks but all you do is stand, even though the energy is building inside. All you do is stand and fight yourself.

So, today, all I did was hold back. “对不起, 可能认错人了”

What will happen next time? I finally got the chance, but now I’m too scared.
Maybe I just came back to my senses.

I thought, hey, maybe I’ll try being sensible and rational rather than so freaking emotional.

And I think to some extent, I’ve achieved that.. or at least to a further degree than before.

However, whenever I set a goal, obstacles show up the very second. My latest drama involved personal figures. Not little boys and little high school relationships, but something way more important. Something that goes beyond my years. I don’t know how to deal with it but when it comes to certain people I care about,

fuck sensible. fuck rational.

I’m really upset about what happened recently. At least it goes to show, I hated them for the right reasons.

Go suck your own dicks.

There are some “words” that really bug me. At least, when certain people say them.

Examples?
“Ridiculous,” when it was the fad. Always, “Ridiculous.”

And now, “indeed.”

songs I listened to almost a year ago.

A lot of mixed emotions.

Sometimes it’s the journals and blogs, or the pictures, or maybe some videos, but

wow, the songs are indescribable.
All about the emotions. All about the memories totally forgotten. Nothing brings them out quite the same. ;]

the reason I feel unwelcome,

IS BECAUSE I DON’T BELONG!

OH!

Wrong group, however stupid that is.

it was some noise. Some crunching. Some munching. And then some bells?

Strange things happen in my backyard. It’s always too dark to tell.
Although once, I saw two (?) deer outside. Oh, and a fat raccoon.

I would think one really gets to know me through these blogs. A lot more than interacting at school or chilling on a summer day.

Hm. Who knows me?

It’s like I entered “Danger Zone.”

I started thinking again. But the type of thinking that goes nowhere - but in circles.

At least I feel more human. I’ve been spending too many hours in front of this very screen. Too many hours with my rear planted in this seat. My eyes glued to who knows what, who knows why. My ears plugged with ear phones blasting meaningless noise. I like that meaningless noise though. For those, no, these very hours, I am a zombie. Zombie!

Regardless, I decided to snap out of it. No, I really just didn’t want to wait for pounds to pack on. So, I took a wonderful excursion. A bit chilly, but refreshing to some extent. Didn’t do much for my bangs and sight, but did wonders for my elbows. Got you there. I guess I tried to figure out some things. This motivation issue. And what I’m doing. Where I’m going. What I want. The like. I can’t say I got far. All answers and all problems root themselves in, well, me. And who I am. Then I had to figure out who I am, which seems like an immature question, overwrought with teen angst. The immediate answer is, well, “me.” Who else? “Person who’s thinking these thoughts, walking the walk, talking the talk, holding the mirror, scratching the rocks, combing the grass, pinching the erasers, shaking the box, rocking the book, pushing the bear, etc.”

There are two ideas I’ve introduced to myself. But firstly, I wondered why understanding others seems easier than understanding myself. Sounds presumptious. But not really understanding, I admit, as much labeling and judging. But I realize I don’t understand, and contrary to common thought, people…aren’t so simple? I’m of course blindly stuck behind my own perspective. So, who am I? Not in others’ eyes, not his, not hers, not yours, sorry, but mine? I think that’s what I mean, or they mean, or she or he means, by “Who am I?”

So, who am I? If I could step outside of myself, some spiritual action, and watch myself, who, what, would I see?

How stupid! I would see the superficial. I would make shallow judgments. I’d never understand fully. I’d understand that person, myself, only as much as my eyes and ears allow. So, people are too complex. Inside. Themselves. Maybe not when I make judgments or conclusions, but in verity. Beyond the extent of anyone’s true perception.

That’s why I find it hard to look at myself objectively. How do you encompass everything, everything, every thought, action, hope, desire, emotion, smile, tear, spasm, booger, toenail, belly button, like you do when you judge anyone else, when it comes to yourself?

However, I did get some answer, no, a reason why this all is so difficult. I thought I was too different. Not as in comparatively with other people, but just… at different moments. I didn’t know who I was because I was always someone else at a different moment. And then, voila! I’m always trying to be someone. Trying to be someone else. Trying to change at certain moments. Trying to give a different impression.

That’s why. Lost in all my fake identities. All my false impressions. Er, trials, rather.

So, from my small excursion, I learned that much. Seems obvious to you, right? Sorry, just woke from zombie-mode.

we try to bring back the our old selves around you, or why we keep mentioning the ‘old times,’ the days we laughed together, hilarious and random inside jokes, why we are different around an old friend like you,

if you want to know why, instead of swimming in your own confusion and disappointment,

it’s because we’re so distant. We’re strangers now, if not acquaintances. We don’t know each other anymore, but we want to keep pretending, and so, we bring out what we have in common, days that marked our friendship - only because now, there’s little to talk about, little to laugh about, little to believe that this here’s a friendship.

That’s why.
We care and we want to stay your friend; is it that bad then, if we try to give life to the old friendship, so we don’t feel like strangers?

That’s all we are now,
so, we pretend.

With only the past that links us, and a year or two we stopped talking and stopped everything,
is it wrong to reunite to find that we’ve all changed? When none of us is the same, the distance is overwhelming. I tried to shrink it with our past - our only connection.

We’re all different now, can we still accept each other? If not act differently around you, should we just be the strangers you dislike?