no

My ridiculously overwhelming need for self-redemption

is merely a reflection of my insecurities.

That is no good. Why can’t I take criticism? Why can’t I take rejection?
How embarrassing. Escape through

work.

And put aside all emotion, all humanly necessities.

Turn it off, block it out,
because all I need to be

is simple.

All I need to have

is a direction.

What is the point of looking for anything else more? I am looking for trouble, for rejection,
if I seek something with only 5% chance of retention.

No.

That’s it.

Obviously,
apparently,
evidently,

I have a very limited amount of self-esteem to waste like that, of confidence to squander.

no crossing

I think playing this game is fun,

but maybe it’s because I’m too naive to see how dangerous it is.

Oh shoot. How can I change him?

oops

Well it’s only the perfect time to realize that

now, the choices made are far from as important as the choices I will make.

the longer

I am away,

the older I get,

the more I realize you can fall,
and continue to fall..

and no one will catch you.

All you have is yourself. Wake up and get a grip before it’s too late.

over and under

I have no alibi, no excuse for blaming and accusing

but I will commit these passive acts nonetheless.

I have been conditioned very well by successful, self-sacrificing individuals, who, in the face of relative difficulties, have managed to construct their own identities and mold their, at one point unpredictable, “dismal”, futures. I’ve learned to look to others as role models, to humble myself to the lowliest extremity so that I am negligible – I am taught to see myself as a blank slate, and to copy and paste “favorable” qualities from others. Oh great.

I am told who I am, who I cannot be, who I should be, who I will never be if I am who I am, who is no one I can’t be but not someone I should be when I always should be someone else. Not merely blank, but flexible.

And like this, I learn to respect, to aspire, and to fall into these webs of limits with all my flaws drowning me in a sea of convinced incompetence. You who wanted to show me better, only kept me behind the jealous lens of admiration.

Well you know what has happened? I overestimate others, and so quickly underestimate myself. There are always people to blame. And there’s myself to keep me from changing along with those who try to steer me in so many vague, abstract directions: “Over there, but not like that, but be careful, and if you must, that way.”

Why? Why always like this? I don’t understand enough, and I need to be more focused on myself, not others. And yes, I need to learn on my own. If always told how to grow, will I ever really grow? OOOOO I sound pretentious. But pretentiousness is exactly what I need more of. Need. Need. Want. Have.

I am always looking up, and my neck is tired. Maybe I should stop hanging upside down and see what’s really right side up. There’s nothing I lack, nothing that I can’t become. I am a fool to listen and think I can only emulate and not constitute. Or really, create.

Dance to my own tune, drum to my own rhythm, walk my own pace, stand when I want, run when I’d like, carry how much I want to and drop what I don’t..

I’m holding the pen, I’ve got my own set of hands

and I’ll choose what happens to this big blob of blank.