don’t look

I don’t have the mental capacity to write quality blog posts anymore so I’m just going to dump stuff here and maybe someday I can pull the pieces together. Look at all these cliches. fgsfds

In all sincerity, don’t read this.

What I should do is write all this in a text file and collect my thoughts before I try to post something. I’m aware of how contradictory it is to post asking the reader to stop reading. I’m at an incredible low point and I’m sinking deeper so please avert your eyes (nothing to see here, just a man bleeding dignity). Don’t bear with me.

But anyways

I can’t grow pieces of me and still hold onto at least everything I had before. But still I don’t want to die.
That’s what this feels like. I’m going to die if I stay here. The funny thing is I don’t even have issues to work out. I could comfortably make bold statements like I know who I am and I know who I want to be. I know what I want to tend towards. Internally I was at peace and I stopped hating myself. Now the environment’s changed, I feel like what I was can’t survive and what I wanted to be is a dream throwing itself away. I’m an endangered species; build me a habitat, put me on a reservation.

I’m off course and I’m questioning what threw me off.

But the question is why can’t I be who I want to be. What is it about this place that strips me of myself. Maybe I’m being tested.

Hamlet struggled with suicide. I struggled and move past that a long time ago. I struggled with a lot of questions and came to conclusions that collectively made me who I was. I felt like I had a full solution set. Give me a problem and I will deal with it. I was ready to go about life like I wanted.

So this is a new problem, how do I go about dealing with it?
Get out while I can.

But someday, maybe
We’ll just get away
And you will say
This was just
Another phase in your life

I’m not supposed to be this unhappy. I thought I moved on from this feeling. I should have transcended grieving a long time ago.