You remember the one, well of course you wouldn’t. Those images I used to throw away our memories.

But now that I see it again it’s clear I can never forget. Which means I can never be forgiven.
Not that if it were up to you it’d be any different. I should know, I still keep a copy of {you} in here.
I know I know, it’s been so many years. I really should just junk it, but I’m a compulsive hoarder for these things.

Time might dull the wounds but it never erases scars, not even a faint bit.

You know the other day someone laughed at me with certainty. That certainly I would never find true love.
In my mind I laughed at him secretly. Jokes on him, I never believed in the truth of love.
{private cut}

It must be paranoia that I try to repress consciously, something that I feel but reason to be untrue.
That everyone I meet thinks I’m a fool, that my behavior, my body language will alert them to my inadequacies.
But I hold a similar disdain against the mass of strangers who guard themselves, who exercise caution in presenting themselves.
Any idiot can be right if he only waits and co-opts the answers of smarter men. But where in that is life? You might as well have not lived.

I want to laugh loudly, to care deeply about the moment at hand, to know and feel that I’m alive.
Even if I’m completely wrong, if my laughter is uncalled for, I want to live without apologizing for being alive.

But to live with such vitality is to throw caution to the wind. And my mortal spirit can still be pierced by the disdain of others.
Even if I have the courage to live with my ideals there is still danger of overconfidence or of burning myself out.
If I have to approach every social interaction with a wall of overconfidence it tires me out. And in my dreams where confidence is not a factor
Well I wake up with such anger and overflowing negativity. Feeling like I need to punch children kittens.

Paranoia is such a bitch. It’s delusions in a way but not the usual kind of grandeur or importance or self worth.
Paranoia, social phobia, is delusions of being a worm. Of being absolute garbage in the eyes of others.
The answer to paranoia, it’s easily dispelled by, a candid view of reality. Of being able to assess situations and accept reality for truth even if the truth is you’re being a fool.
Perception is a fickle lens, often colored by untrustworthy emotions. It’s easy to be paranoid of one’s perception, paranoid of perception of one’s own paranoia.

Confidence must be earned.
Perception must be candid.

Would that I have the strength to see what is, and what is not.

But people are built up by delusions. To be candid means to abandon the company of a stuffed animal even if it were your best friend.
In having an imaginary friend, delusional as it may be, is the feeling of friendship delusional, is the feeling of friendship worthless?
The feeling of magic is a kind of delusion, but then are all magicians mean-spirited, does all magic lead to paranoia?
As much as people fear witches, so much so that normal people have been hunted and burned, magic is not inherently evil.

I don’t have all the answers but that doesn’t mean I have no knowledge.
It’s good to be able to say I know that I know nothing.
It’s better to be able to say I know that I know some things.

I know that as a human I should seek happiness.
I know that I’m prone to paranoia and that it will fuck me up.

So in seeking happiness I’d like to throw my paranoia away.
I guess it’s my burden to figure out how best to go about doing so.
Other men’s crosses are not mine to bear. To turn this around my own cross is only mine to bear.
If the burdens I bear is made of things like paranoia then in a sense my cross is myself.
It just seems daunting to be both bearer and cross.

I accept small steps, and belief in myself.
To be positive like my mother, and to care deeply like my father.
I believe I have the capability within me.

I’ve made my resolutions and my tough choices.
I’ve let go of my paranoia, my delusions, my childishness.

I’m coming for you.
And this time I’m not fucking around.

There can be no fair games

The best strategy is to trick your enemy into defeat without
telling them the rules, before they even know what’s going on

Do you still want to play with me? Too bad because I won’t play with you!
Play those games with someone else, someone interested in sinking their teeth.
Nyahahahah

I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry dad. Somehow your son grew up to be a terrible person.

DISCOMFORT

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