I am the broken record

It’s funny. I was spamming this same song(The Legionnaire’s Lament) through my speakers four years ago thinking about how hard it is, proclaiming that this would never happen to me again. But right now I find myself doing exactly what I was doing.

I guess that just means I haven’t changed.

I was the new kid at Albany High, and as cliche as that sounds the challenge was very real.  I didn’t have the same advantages other people had. The friends I made in middle school were far away, in another place. I’d later lose them altogether but I wasn’t concerned with that then. I was preoccupied with being alone and trying to escape the feeling. I remember a few lunches where I just walked around the school in a circle because I had nothing else to do. It reminded me of being stuck at church, tracing the same closed path because the other kids wouldn’t talk to me. Now that I think about it, I saw Peter doing something like this a few times. I’ve never said this, but tacitly I’ve always felt a lot like Peter this way.

I made friends though that first year. Eric was a terrific help and introduced me to a bunch of people. I don’t know if it’s because he was a good friend or if we just had to be at the same place at the same time to get picked up. It doesn’t matter. High school was just better in general because of his help and I managed to make it by.

I even had my first girlfriend that year. Even though it was a messy stupid affair, I’m still glad it happened. It worked wonders for my confidence and even though I acted like an idiot, I’m still glad it happened. More than anything I learned what works and what are blundering retarded mistakes. I still remember Jack pulling me aside one day to say dude what the fuck she’s ugly man. He’s an idiot.  Can, if you ever read this I think you’re exceptionally pretty and I wish it worked out. Actually there was that one time we were at Ranch 99 having boba. My dad saw us together and later he had to stop me to tell me how pretty my girlfriend is. But anyways even if I could relive it it still wouldn’t work out. I was too awkward and she seemed a bit scared. But I’m still grateful to her.

I learned a lot of things but I ended up making some of the same mistakes this year. Like on the subject of Henry. Even though he really is the friend I’ve known the longest, I can’t say he’s the best. That year I thought he might be like Eric and I might to get to know some friends through him. I mean it was the same situation, I had to go to school and come back with him everyday just the same so it was worth a shot right? I remember trying to hang out with him at lunch a few times with his ’08 friends. It didn’t work out and the whole thing ended up being me sitting there awkwardly. I remember pulling out some homework just because no on would talk to me. And throughout the whole fiasco Henry didn’t help me once. Man what a fool. On the other hand Henry is really good friends with the other ’09 guys. Why is that? Well it’s because I invited him to everything just because he was my friend. Sadly I can’t say he ever returned the favor. I should’ve learned my lesson and realize that this year it’d be a bad idea to try to rely on him. Well I made the mistake again and he acted exactly the same way. When I found myself alone on a strange campus, I turned to him to try to find some friends. But this absolutely fell through. Whatever. He’s just a person and he has faults. He really isn’t a good friend though.

It’s just as bad as it is now as it was when I first walked into Albany. I made my nest there but it’s only been destroyed. This has been the theme of my life for such a long time. I just don’t want to be alone. It’s hard to concentrate and it’s hard for me to do anything at all with no one behind me supporting me. I guess no one is waiting for me to fail, but no one cares if I succeed either. So why should I care right?

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here. I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to lose my old high school friends like I lost my middle school friends. It feels like I’ve made almost no friends in LA.

I guess in the end, I really don’t like change.
I don’t really care about that.
I just don’t want to be alone.