fuck the perpetuated dominance of popular girls and jocky guys

and fuck the systems in place that maintain the tyranny

(yeah I can’t believe I still have to deal with this bullshit)

I am the broken record

It’s funny. I was spamming this same song(The Legionnaire’s Lament) through my speakers four years ago thinking about how hard it is, proclaiming that this would never happen to me again. But right now I find myself doing exactly what I was doing.

I guess that just means I haven’t changed.

I was the new kid at Albany High, and as cliche as that sounds the challenge was very real.  I didn’t have the same advantages other people had. The friends I made in middle school were far away, in another place. I’d later lose them altogether but I wasn’t concerned with that then. I was preoccupied with being alone and trying to escape the feeling. I remember a few lunches where I just walked around the school in a circle because I had nothing else to do. It reminded me of being stuck at church, tracing the same closed path because the other kids wouldn’t talk to me. Now that I think about it, I saw Peter doing something like this a few times. I’ve never said this, but tacitly I’ve always felt a lot like Peter this way.

I made friends though that first year. Eric was a terrific help and introduced me to a bunch of people. I don’t know if it’s because he was a good friend or if we just had to be at the same place at the same time to get picked up. It doesn’t matter. High school was just better in general because of his help and I managed to make it by.

I even had my first girlfriend that year. Even though it was a messy stupid affair, I’m still glad it happened. It worked wonders for my confidence and even though I acted like an idiot, I’m still glad it happened. More than anything I learned what works and what are blundering retarded mistakes. I still remember Jack pulling me aside one day to say dude what the fuck she’s ugly man. He’s an idiot.  Can, if you ever read this I think you’re exceptionally pretty and I wish it worked out. Actually there was that one time we were at Ranch 99 having boba. My dad saw us together and later he had to stop me to tell me how pretty my girlfriend is. But anyways even if I could relive it it still wouldn’t work out. I was too awkward and she seemed a bit scared. But I’m still grateful to her.

I learned a lot of things but I ended up making some of the same mistakes this year. Like on the subject of Henry. Even though he really is the friend I’ve known the longest, I can’t say he’s the best. That year I thought he might be like Eric and I might to get to know some friends through him. I mean it was the same situation, I had to go to school and come back with him everyday just the same so it was worth a shot right? I remember trying to hang out with him at lunch a few times with his ’08 friends. It didn’t work out and the whole thing ended up being me sitting there awkwardly. I remember pulling out some homework just because no on would talk to me. And throughout the whole fiasco Henry didn’t help me once. Man what a fool. On the other hand Henry is really good friends with the other ’09 guys. Why is that? Well it’s because I invited him to everything just because he was my friend. Sadly I can’t say he ever returned the favor. I should’ve learned my lesson and realize that this year it’d be a bad idea to try to rely on him. Well I made the mistake again and he acted exactly the same way. When I found myself alone on a strange campus, I turned to him to try to find some friends. But this absolutely fell through. Whatever. He’s just a person and he has faults. He really isn’t a good friend though.

It’s just as bad as it is now as it was when I first walked into Albany. I made my nest there but it’s only been destroyed. This has been the theme of my life for such a long time. I just don’t want to be alone. It’s hard to concentrate and it’s hard for me to do anything at all with no one behind me supporting me. I guess no one is waiting for me to fail, but no one cares if I succeed either. So why should I care right?

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here. I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to lose my old high school friends like I lost my middle school friends. It feels like I’ve made almost no friends in LA.

I guess in the end, I really don’t like change.
I don’t really care about that.
I just don’t want to be alone.

I guess that’s it then

I have to give up everything that used to make my life good.
Everything will be taken from me.

specialization (a dinosaur comic)

Science majors piss off liberal arts majors by asking them about their future plans and which fast food restaurant they’d like to work for. Liberal arts majors piss off science majors by asking how they feel about striving to be inanimate gears in corporate machinery.
But this can all be avoided!
We can solve all the bitterness caused by our different majors just by thinking about it in terms of classes in rpgs. So instead of going around saying “Oh hey you’re a music major? Do you want fries with that degree?” We can instead say “Oh hey you’re a music major? Bards are flippin awesome!”
But wait T-Rex do you really think our problems can be solved this easily?
Not to worry Utahraptor just try it.
etc.

when do we wake up

When there’s nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.
Yukio Mishima knew this. When the only form of expression left is seppuku, you’re left with a dilemma. How much do you value your life and how much do you value yourself? Few people choose their art over their life. The few become artists.

Maybe I should start setting shit on fire.

fuck valentine’s

don’t mind me I’m too busy eating black noodles to give a fuck about anything

FUCK

so you don’t want to be like everyone else right?

you want to stand out from the crowd?
you want to be different, to be unique.
to cultivate a different perspective?

ok pay for all your college education yourself without being able to get financial aid because you still have to claim to have parents.

cool story bro.

raaage

We can describe phenomenon, even things that seem inscrutable or things that we can’t observe. Lightening, evolution, relativity. We can understand a system and given enough information we can predict how the system will evolve. We can also predict how the system will respond when we selectively introduce changes in order to control the phenomenon and make it useful. Some cool things that use some pretty complicated understanding are medicine, nuclear power, electronics. So I really like this method but what can you do if you can’t accurately describe the phenomenon? Maybe I have a poor understanding of the subject, but the brain denies understanding like a bitch.

annunciate child, you speak like a peasant

I love songs that make me feel connected to the rest of the world. Sometimes I forget and it seems like I’ll be displaced from being here.
Being modern and aware of the current culture and technology differentials is important to me, but I also need to feel transcendent and timeless. I don’t know, it’s like I always want to know δy(x, t)/δt but I also want to remember the wave speed. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s hard to keep track of the big picture when you’re so focused on the next move and maybe the one after that. But I don’t want to get lost, greedy algorithms only work by luck. I guess I have to be honest with myself about what I want. Some people want to run empires, others want to make some cool toys. Still others just want some money and prestige and a rich personal life. I guess what I want is what I’ve always wanted, to make some good tools for people to use and to have some great experiences while doing this. But it bothers me, I’m worried, when I realize how hard it’s going to be to make the things I want to make when the science you need isn’t even there. And I don’t want to lock myself up in a lab to contribute any considerable amount of work because there’s still other things I want to do. Maybe my wants and my will don’t match up so I guess there’s conflict.

The question really is, what can you do in a lifetime?

art history is already making me write crazy shit

the beautiful is ugly because we can never compare in beauty, the ugly is beautiful because few can appreciate its aesthetics. the pleasurable is painful because it reminds us of our own mortality, the painful is pleasurable because it reminds us that we’re alive. the humorous is absurd because even laughing is futile. the absurd is humorous because there’s nothing to do but to laugh.

yeahhhhhh so grimdark and nonsensical